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literature
No Trust
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Literature Text
You're electric; I love the way that you breathe,
Sending shivers down my body while I'm grittin' my teeth.
So magnetic, I can't escape from this dream,
I see you laughin' so hard while watchin' me scream.
Your eyes – see right through me,
Straight to the secrets that I hide underneath.
Your lips are poison, that tastes sugar-sweet,
Pure addiction, slow death…
Just what I need.
Kisses, fiery-hot like romance,
Every touch of the lips has me in a trance,
And the touches, what more can I say?
If love is a game then you know how to play!
& The truth is, I know what you are,
Honestly, I should have guessed from the start.
I was too careless, gave you my heart,
Gave you the power to tear it apart.
… And you did.
Sending shivers down my body while I'm grittin' my teeth.
So magnetic, I can't escape from this dream,
I see you laughin' so hard while watchin' me scream.
Your eyes – see right through me,
Straight to the secrets that I hide underneath.
Your lips are poison, that tastes sugar-sweet,
Pure addiction, slow death…
Just what I need.
Kisses, fiery-hot like romance,
Every touch of the lips has me in a trance,
And the touches, what more can I say?
If love is a game then you know how to play!
& The truth is, I know what you are,
Honestly, I should have guessed from the start.
I was too careless, gave you my heart,
Gave you the power to tear it apart.
… And you did.
Just a little something inspired by Don't Trust Me ~ by 3OH!3
Comments and critiques are veeery welcome~!
---
- Is the rhyming horribly distracting?
- Does any particular section or line not fit in with the rest?
-
Did you like it?
Comments and critiques are veeery welcome~!---
- Is the rhyming horribly distracting?
- Does any particular section or line not fit in with the rest?
-
Did you like it? © 2011 - 2024 Dark-McCloudy
Comments11
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I will be critiquing this poem on behalf of
Firstly, thank you for posing some questions within your comments, it makes it easier for us to critique knowing what you want answers to.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza
L = Line
G = Grammar
P = Punctuation
R = Rhyme/Rhyme Scheme
M = Meter
F = Flow
S = Structure
Question 1: Is the rhyming horribly distracting?
- Short Answer: No
- Longer Answer: At times some of your words don't rhyme depending on pronunciation. An example would be 'romance' and 'trance' which (phonetically) I would pronounce 'ro-MAN-ce' and 'tr-AH-nce'. This could become an issue and distract from your piece. Otherwise the rhyme schemes are solid and you keep them uniform within the poem.
Question 2: Does any particular line or section not fit in with the rest?
- Short Answer: No
- Longer Answer: There are times when you seem to leave out words or you include symbols (&) instead of words (bad!). I would say that looking into fixing those two aspects would enable this to flow better.
Question 3: Did I like it?
- Short Answer: Yes
- Longer Answer: Yes, but the title doesn't seem to match your text until the very end, which comes about abruptly. Your ending is very sudden and 'shocking' after going through two stanzas of love to come to a screeching halt on 'you no longer love me/you broke my heart'. Otherwise, it flows very well and your imagery is delectable.
Summary:
A very nice piece that with some polishing could be greater than it is.
Overall:
(5 / 5 stars)
Jo
Firstly, thank you for posing some questions within your comments, it makes it easier for us to critique knowing what you want answers to.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza L = Line G = Grammar P = Punctuation R = Rhyme/Rhyme Scheme M = Meter F = Flow S = StructureQuestion 1: Is the rhyming horribly distracting?- Short Answer: No
- Longer Answer: At times some of your words don't rhyme depending on pronunciation. An example would be 'romance' and 'trance' which (phonetically) I would pronounce 'ro-MAN-ce' and 'tr-AH-nce'. This could become an issue and distract from your piece. Otherwise the rhyme schemes are solid and you keep them uniform within the poem.
Question 2: Does any particular line or section not fit in with the rest?- Short Answer: No
- Longer Answer: There are times when you seem to leave out words or you include symbols (&) instead of words (bad!). I would say that looking into fixing those two aspects would enable this to flow better.
Question 3: Did I like it?- Short Answer: Yes
- Longer Answer: Yes, but the title doesn't seem to match your text until the very end, which comes about abruptly. Your ending is very sudden and 'shocking' after going through two stanzas of love to come to a screeching halt on 'you no longer love me/you broke my heart'. Otherwise, it flows very well and your imagery is delectable.
Summary:
A very nice piece that with some polishing could be greater than it is.
Overall:
(5 / 5 stars)Jo